Well I think this is my third attempt at starting a blog! One just after Riley, my son was born (he’s now three – oops!), another just before my wedding – I planned to go through all of my wedding preparation and how it happened on the day (that was 9 months ago now!). That was the previous post on this blog. Well I made one, sometimes two blog entries on each and then gave up as I always feel there is nothing exciting to talk about in my life. I am pretty boring!
My little family – Kevin, Riley and Me on our wedding day – photo credit – James Solly
Being completely honest, my career takes up a lot of my time, and this is probably why I feel like I am boring. I very recently secured a promotion. Funnily enough I did feel the job I was doing previous was very similar to the one I was gaining, however, I really under-estimated the responsibility that had now been thrown at me! I don’t think I’ve ever worked so hard, or such long hours in my life before and still feel like I’m drowning. I really HATE not being good at something, I can’t stand feeling like I’m failing, these are the only two things I have felt since moving into this role! Which my manager did warn me about, and warned me that the role I was moving into wouldn’t be easy, and would have me questioning “What the hell have I done?!” two months into the job role change. She was right for sure!
Well last month after a late night heart to heart with my manager I’ve realised that when I start feeling out of depth and start to panic, I revert to a default state of CONTROL. Yup you heard me, I am a control freak! Understanding this has made me realise the reason I struggle is because I hate letting control go. I now have a small team of two, about to become three people, and honestly, as much as I know they are brilliant people, I stupidly don’t want to hand over things to them to deliver as I panic it won’t go the way it should. When I say should, I mean the way I see it in my head, which almost never happens
Taking another step back, I also realise that this crazy control freak side of me is not just in my work life either. I am a total control freak in my home life too. Bless my long enduring husband. I meticulously plan everything out in our lives. From when we moved in, when we would get married, when we can buy our first house, the holidays we will take and when. Heck when we took our last holiday to Las Vegas four years ago I mapped out everything with times, where we would eat, how much we would need for each meal. Some (me) may argue this is sensible, and others (Kevin) will tell you this is ridiculous and you need to be spontaneous. Me and Kev are complete polar opposites when it comes to our outlook on life. Everything I do is thought out and planned in my head (and sometimes even Microsoft Project) before it happens.
When these plans don’t come to fruition that’s when I panic more and create recovery plans and don’t let anyone else touch anything!
One thing that is guaranteed with a child is that nothing ever goes to plan! Take tonight for example. Lovingly prepared healthy meal for dinner. Nice tasty chicken salad wrap. Plated with a side of peppers which he has never turned down before.
Riley: “Nope mummy, not eating that.”
Mummy: “Why Riley, its tasty? Look I’m eating it too!”
Riley: “I don’t want it!”
Mummy: “Mummy made it specially for you. You like peppers.”
Riley: “I already eat peppers at nursery. I don’t want them at home. I want a plain wrap”
Laura: “Please just try it Riley!”
Riley: “I don’t like it mum.”
Mummy: “How do you know if you haven’t even tried?!”
I eventually caved in and gave him a plan wrap. In my mothering life I’ve realised you have to pick and choose your fights. Some are just not worth getting upset over. This was one of them, despite his dinner getting chucked in the bin.
The untouched filled wrap!
Dinner time in this house is always a nightmare. Ever since he stopped having his dinner for nursery (a whole year ago!) he hasn’t eaten dinner properly at home. I’ve lost count of the things I’ve tried. Letting him help make it, giving him a decision between two meals, sitting at the dinner table until he has eaten it, his own special table, his own table matt with his name on, own cups plates and special cutlery. So many different things. A couple of things would work for a day or two, then he would revert back to normal. So now all I can do is give him his plate of chicken nuggets and sausage rolls and let him decide to eat only one thing off it. Yes, my child has a shit diet. If he didn’t eat fruit and some veg till it came out his ears I would be worried. His nursery provides brilliant nutritious meals so I know he doesn’t miss out on vitamins. I try to live by the inverted triangle law for his meals now, nice healthy filling breakfast, a fairly big lunch and a small dinner, with a bit of supper before bed. It works for us, for now anyway!
Planning and needing to be in control of everything is just not worth it. The amount of stress in both my professional and personal life causes is crazy. I’ve had a long hard talk with myself and am really now trying super hard to stop focusing on these things – after all, how can you ever have any fun in life if you always know what’s coming round that corner, and if it isn’t what you expect – why waste time planning how to get it back on track. Somethings in life are better left to being a surprise!