I’ve celebrated mother’s day for the fourth time this year. It’s a day that always makes me reflect on the rollercoaster ride I’ve been on since becoming a mother, the exciting highs and the extreme emotional lows.

A small tiny loud thing had just been thrust into my arms, it was the moment I became mum. I couldn’t believe he was mine. My own little human to look after and love for the rest of my days. I didn’t feel that overwhelming feeling of attachment, I thought I would right away. In fact I still remember in amongst the happiness that labour was finally over (why did no one tell me it could last over a day? 36 hours to be exact!), I felt an all over empty and slightly helpless feeling. He was here now and I suddenly realised I had no idea what I was doing. I naively believed everyone that said “It all comes naturally the second your baby is placed in your arms!”

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What a load of crap. I kept waiting for weeks after having him for it to naturally come to me. That I would just recognise which cry was a hungry cry, which cry was a tired cry. I kept beating myself up over the fact I still didn’t know what I was doing and made myself feel like such a failure and unfit to look after my baby boy.

I realise now that society places an unfair expectation on new mums. To be that perfect mum the second your baby is born; that knows instantly how to feed your child, knows exactly how to change a nappy. Even these simple things I didn’t have a clue. I was too scared to hold him the right way to wind him. He seemed far too small and delicate.  As a first time mum I beat myself up on a daily basis that I couldn’t get him to latch, that I had to use a bottle, that I couldn’t stop his reflux, that I couldn’t stop his crying.

It’s the hardest, toughest job I’ve ever had. I’ve wanted to throw the towel in at times, which is so not like me, I am not a quitter! However, motherhood is the most difficult, yet rewarding job, the most joyous but unforgiving role.

If anything motherhood has made me appreciate my mum all the more. She has done this three times over! For every time I felt I was falling apart my mum had been through the same thing, felt the same things and made me feel happier and better each time, all the things which she had gone through before I can ever remember. All the hardship and troubles we caused her and yet we all still turned out ok.

He makes me laugh with his crazy sense of humour, brings tears to my eyes with his cuteness, and makes my heart fill up with love and pride and that is when I realise there is no other job I would rather have.IMG_0837

So to all you mothers out there, who may be beating yourself up over not being the “perfect mum.’ Who cares, so what? You may not fit that mould, but you are doing a great job!

Have a wonderful mothers day! X

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“You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth”

Kahlil Gibran

This weekend has felt very much like Spring is right around the corner. On Sunday we went to Monikie Park in lightweight jackets! We haven’t been to this particular park since a work BBQ in 2014 when Riley took his official first steps!

It has a big adventure playpark which is shaped a bit like a castle with turrets and this was a total hit with Riley. He made two friends as he was there and even encouraged an older boy to play dragons with him. He is such a confident wee boy and always seems to make friends wherever he goes. I only wish it were as easy as an adult sometimes!

I just so happened to capture this picture of him in-between diving in and out of secret hideyholes whilst fighting dragons. He is standing like a proper little model with his hands in his pockets. Its usually nigh on impossible to capture a photo like this of Riley. I usually have to have the fastest shutter speed and the quickest of fingers to capture this little wild one.

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He also dressed himself this morning, whilst you can see the new lego batman cap, what you can’t see is the lego batman jumper under his jacket. This kid is obsessed with lego batman!
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“You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth”

Kahlil Gibran

I found myself taking a lot of pictures this weekend and have really struggled to pick just one.

Riley’s photo this week was from our trip to the park where he got to play football with his dad. Right now we are getting to appreciate the fact that Kevin is on secondment at work and no longer working shifts and every other weekend. Its to last for 8 weeks and I just hope it doesn’t go too quickly.

Riley loves having a kick about with the football so I decided it would be fun to take him along to the park where they had freshly painted lines on the pitch. He immediatly saw the goalposts and got very excited about the “score posts” as he has rebranded them. To true footballer style he took a couple of dives, skidded on his knees and got himself nice and muddy.

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Dirty jeans, tongue sticking out in concentration behind a massive smile; this is the look of a wee boy who was truly loving having his daddy back at the weekends again!

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I have always been one of those people that never thinks a baby looks like its parents. Everyone told me when Riley was born that he looked so like Kevin, I looked at this little bundle of perfection and didn’t see it at all! He looked like a baby to me. They pretty much all look the same at that point, little teeny wrinkly humans!

Two months down the line when people said he was looking more like me, I again turned to them and said really?! All I could still see was a baby!

Nowadays, at almost 4 years old it’s a bit different. I still think he looks like his own little person but there are times when I look at him and I see myself, other times I look and he is the double of Kev.

Back just before Christmas we went out to lunch with some friends that questioned how on earth it was possible for him to be the double of both me and Kev at the same time. This made me laugh because most of the time it is only his dad I see in him!

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I was always a daddys girl when I was younger, I wanted to do everything with my dad. Riley is the opposite. He is very much a mummy’s boy. Nothing but mummy will do. I do take great delight in being his favourite, but sometimes it is exhausting. So whilst he is a mummy’s boy through and through he does still loves and needs his daddy. I think whilst with me it is a comfort thing needing me around, with his dad it’s a looking up to him type thing. He is Riley’s role model, he admires his dad and tends to copy most things he does; whether its walking with hands in his pockets, pretending to play Fifa along with him on playstation or pulling funny faces at each other. It’s so special to see the man you fell in love with become so important to the new little man you have fallen in love with. Their bond is so special and cute to watch.

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Its in the little moments where you can see the friendship that they have and hopefully will always have.

“You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth”

Kahlil Gibran

I can’t believe we sit here nearly at the end of the second month of 2017. Time really is getting away from me already this year.

On Sunday, Riley made me realise how quickly not only this year has gone, but also the last three! We attended a christening for a work colleague’s son.

Riley was dressed up in a lovely little outfit from Next which I rush bought earlier in the morning. I may or may not have forgotten about the Christening and also that the last suit outfit we had for Riley had been long since grown out of.

I couldn’t believe how grown up he looked when I dressed him. I stood looking at him wondering “where has my little baby gone?” He is just looking more and more like such a wee boy every day, so tall and so grown up.

As much as I hate seeing my little baby becoming an almost four-year-old little boy, I love being able to watch him grow. He has become his own little person with an amazing personality, a love for tickles and giggles and an inquisitive nature with a penchant for asking “but why mummy?” over and over again.

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I really can’t stop looking at this picture and just thinking he looks so smart (despite him un-tucking his shirt just as I finished tucking it in) and beyond his 3 years. He likes his hair gelled up despite it being very fine and difficult to do much with. He seems to have his own fashion sense now; he picked out the smart shoes that go very well with his little suit.
As as much as I want time to slow down to let me cherish some of these moments that little bit longer, I am so excited to see how he will have changed this time next year!
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